Am I still fat?

Remember when I said I used to hate my body? Sometimes I have days when I still do, and it upsets me to admit it. But I think learning that the self-love journey isn’t all plain sailing is one of the most important lessons. I only started this blog a couple of weeks ago, and my reasons for starting it were to share my love of lingerie, meet other people with the same passion, and to spread a message of acceptance and positivity.

In a lot of ways, even though I’m still very new to blogging, it has helped me in my own body love journey. I asked my awesome sister, Cait to take some photos as she is an artist and also knows what she’s doing with a camera. Even though she’s my sister and probably knows me better than anyone, and even though she’s seen me in my underwear countless times, I was still really nervous to be photographed in this way. I think it was more the knowledge that these photos would be seen by complete strangers. It’s also still really scary that my closest friends and family can see them.

The first couple of photos she took made me feel strange. I’m only used to seeing myself in a mirror or by looking down at my own body, so obviously I was going to be shocked. What hit me the most was that I immediately had the “Oh my goodness, I’m so fat” reaction. I know deep down that I’m not. I used to be. And I know one is not necessarily better or worse than the other. I know that I’m happier now than I was when I was heavier, but honestly a lot of the timing has been coincidental. Around the same time as my weight loss, I found a way to pull myself out of depression. I found an amazing job which has also helped my confidence. I also came out to my family and friends. So I know my happiness has very little to do with my weight. But sometimes the way I view my body still has an effect on it. I only wear a 30 band in bras and a size 8-10 in bottoms. I have a 28 inch waist! How can I still be fat?? These insignificant facts sometimes make it hard for me to see my body how it really is, and I think knowing that I’ve worked so hard and lost so much weight, then seeing myself looking “fat” makes me feel like I still have a warped image in my head of what I look like. Maybe I always will. But I’m pretty sure I look really good.

As time went on and I got used to seeing my body from a different perspective, I started to feel a great love for it again. I even said my belly looked cute in some of the photos. There are a few photos that still make me cringe, but I’m not a model, and I don’t know how to position myself in the most flattering way possible, so of course I’m not going to look perfect (whatever that may mean). In some photos I look better, because my posture is better or the angle works for me. But what I also had to realise was that, when we move our bodies move with us, our rolls and wobbly bits change with whatever position we are in. Of course I can stand in front of a mirror and suck my tummy in and stand in a certain way so I look really skinny. But I won’t always look like that, and that’s okay.

And it’s okay to still be on a journey. Yes, I’m a lot happier with my appearance and my body. But I won’t feel the same about it every single day. As long as I treat it well and remember that it is good because it’s mine and unique, I think I’ll stay pretty happy and healthy in my mind. I’ve decided to share the photos I like the least here because I know it will help me, and maybe it can help someone else out there who struggles in the same way.

 

 

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